Thought Writing

Insecure

Do you ever wish to be someone else? Do you ever hate someone because you kinda wish you had what they have? Isn’t it funny how insecurity works. I’m sure we are all insecure about different aspects of ourselves, which in a way pushes us to be better. Motivation through self-criticism, but when does it become counter productive? I want to loose weight to look beautiful, am I vain? When I say, I want to loose weight to be healthy, am I honest? I want to loose 30 pounds because I know Ive been unhealthy in my eating habits, but I can’t wait to see the day where I look at myself 30 pounds thinner and like what I see. Then we go to talents. If I can’t sing, dance, or draw, what talent do I have?

When I was in school I remember an English teacher telling me that I wasn’t very good at writing, but I surely must be great at Math. I guess thats how it works out. If you’re good at math, you must surely fail english class. Not my case. I needed a tutor to pass my math class and the worst part was that I thought english class was my strong point. Then I discovered Acting, and was told I was pretty good. Then I discovered that there are a million Actors in the world with radiant beauty that would be auditioning for the same roles I would, so I didn’t feel good enough. Insecurity.

In my past relationship I allowed my insecurity to run me over and over and over again. He admired a girl, well he admired many girls, but there was one in particular that all his family admired. I wasn’t her. I wasn’t remotely close to being her. She was wealthy, pretty, outgoing, amiable, and she didn’t like me just like his family didn’t like me. I wanted her to think the same way I thought of her. I then realized that I could never be her. So I slowly became the complete opposite. I stopped caring of showing my true gentle side to this family and started fighting back, standing up for myself without a filter in my mouth. I acted like I didn’t like them, like I didn’t like her. I felt the pain of insecurity swallow me whole and eat away at my heart. I didn’t know who I was anymore….

Insecurity. It leads you to dark places that you can’t crawl out of by yourself. I’m insecure, I was very insecure, and I don’t want that anymore.  I am on a journey to love myself, just like I believe you should too. Insecurity only leads to the tragic end of losing yourself, your worth, reputation, thoughts, feelings, relationships become shattered. Most importantly, the relationship you have with you suffers an ultimate death.

But just like the phoenix your true self can be reborn from the ashes that came from the fire that destroyed your being. Insecurity. Once you know its there, don’t let it co-exist with your soul.

 

 

 

 

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